Haven' been here in quite some time. Things have been really crazy. Right after the Xmas pics went up, my Boss fucked me over for our Xmas plans, with the help of the coworker I can't fucking stand. After that, each day was a rollercoaster of happiness and tragedy. Lately the tragedy deals with HHH. His seizures are getting worse. In between he seizures he has horrible mood swings. It's almost like he is manic/angry. The slightest thing will make him mad. He takes it out on the kids and I. I usually try to take the brunt of his anger. He doesn't get physical, but the emotional and mental blows are just as deadly. I already have horrible self esteem from being raised by 2 alcoholic abusers, and now? The slightest thing sends me spiraling down. I won' hurt myself, no. The crazy in my brain tells me I deserve this life. I deserve the abusive childhood. I deserve the BS life I live. I have to witness my shit life hurt my kids so that they will resent me and blame me for their terrible life with me and I will know why they will leave me and never return. Yeah. Messed up huh? Karma is showing me her face and it' ugly, but I deserve it.
When HHH gets mean, the kids go hide. I don' blame them. Who wants to get hit with a shit bomb fueled by bad brain chemistry and malice? Me, apparently. I take every hit.... ugly, stupid, dumb, doormat, fat, uncaring..... I'm all this and more. I try to make him see, but I can't. Until the shit swirlin around in his brain subsides, nothing will make him stop. Best I can do is take my lumps and tell him it' ok later when the apology starts.
He didn't mean what he said
He didn't mean to call me ugly
He didn't mean I'm stupid
He doesn't want to leave me
He doesn't want me to leave
Every time, without fail,
The same thing.
When do I give up? When do I say enough? DO you know? I'm thinking after the kids are 18. I'm done then? Who knows. I don't.
Today I decided to remove myself from his sight. When he stomped over to ask what the fuck I was doing, I said he hurt my feelings, I don' want to upset the kids with a fight so I came to our room and started watching Smithsonian Channel. He doesn' like that channel. It reminds him of how smart I actually am. I said when he gets out of what ever that mood is, I'll be back out with my family.
So yeah, I've been gone, but really? I'm stuck in the same place I've always been.