Friday, March 30, 2012

LOSER

I'm such a fucking loser.

What in the fuck made me think I could ever do anything? I mean seriously... WTF was I thinking??? I'm old. I'm fat. I have no real life. I move at least once a year because my husband can't keep a job. I don't put out often enough. I can't find a job that provides for my kids.

LOSER!

Today we were supposed to be going to Orlando. He had an interview. I had an Audition at Universal the next day.

Ain't gonna happen.

HHH has been looking for a job and even though there have been offers, He doesn't have a drivers license and they tell him "Thanks but no thanks." I can't take it! Then the cell phone company called and said Oh BTW we will be shutting off your phones today.

Dreams killed. My dreams. Every. Fucking. Time.

What little money we had to go to these interviews & my audition is now going to go to keep the phones on so HHH can get more calls about jobs. We have been using the hot spot feature on my phone for internet so that's our only line for that too. I have cancelled my appointment with Universal. I have had a complete melt down in the car when I realized we weren't going to make it to Orlando.

I just can't do this anymore.

I give up.

We move away from everyplace once I get used to it, so I'm no longer unpacking.
We never stay anywhere longer than a year and I always have to say good bye to any friends, So I'm not making any EVER!
I'm no longer gonna go for my dreams. Dreams are for winners. That ain't me. I had a dream to play roller derby. When I started in Sarasota I was doing ok, but then HHH got another job and we moved. Then I joined a league in that city. HHH got ANOTHER job and we moved again. No nearby league. No more derby. I tried driving the hour each way to my old league, but gas is so expensive. It wasn't working out. I had to quit.

Now I had a chance at another dream. As a kid, not only did I want to play derby, I wanted to make money doing something I loved.... roller skating. I had an audition scheduled at a theme park. I was a day away from trying out. Who cares if they might have told me no. I'd have tried, right. But no..... the loser lost out again thanks to Unemployment taking so long to help us (it's been 4 weeks now and counting.), and we have to put every available cent we have towards keeping our phones on so HHH can get a job. Everything is about to be shut off. Phone, lights, EVERYTHING. I should be used to this right? Same song, different verse.

So fuck it. I'm gonna peruse Craigslist for a job scrubbing toilets. I'm good at menial tasks. I'm so used to being shit on, cleaning it up shouldn't be a problem.

Dreams are for winners, not loser like me.

Anyone want to buy a derby starter pack? All skates, pads & Helmet for $100 size 9. I don't need them anymore. That dream is dead.

4 comments:

Megan said...

I'm sorry this is happening to you, sweetie. Things will change; they always do. Hang in there.

Vicky Ortiz said...

Doesn't it always seen like when it rains it pours. Remember that this too shall pass.

Dave2 said...

Loser? That doesn't sound like the Blondefabulous I know.

You took a hit... a bad one... time to shake it off and get back in the rink. The jammer can't score if she's not in the game.

Christina LMT said...

Blondefabulous, you are anything BUT a loser. You are a wonderful person, a fantastic wife and mother. NEVER give up on your dreams, no matter what.