Thursday, March 1, 2012

Am I Un-friendable?

No really, this is a completely serious question. It's one I've had ever since I was a child. Am I un-friendable?

When I was in grade school, I'd have friends every year, but it seemed when someone better came along, those folks were out of there like a shot. My 9th grade best friend wanted to kick my ass in 10th grade because she became best friends with someone else and that girl apparently hated me. I didn't get it. I was nice. I didn't try to obsess over crap outside of the normal, teen stuff. I got good grades and didn't try to cause much trouble. What the heck, right?

Then came college. That's where they tell you everything changes right? But it didn't for me. Yes, I had all these new people to get to know, but really it was the same old, same old. Meet someone, get to know them, have a raging good time for a year, then hit the road Blonde, I found someone better. WTF? I really wish I knew what I was doing! I even had one roommate from my sorority embezzle money from me and our sorority all while smiling and saying what a good friend I was. I guess in a way that has always been my problem. I'm just naive.

After college and my first marriage, I became more closed off to friendship. I had plenty of folks who said they wanted to be my or my family's friend, but really they were just using me for their own devices. Once they got what they needed, I was fucked over without even a second thought. Once I opened my home to a coworker who was supposedly being abused by her husband. She moved in & then took advantage of me, with the final straw being telling me she would pay the electric for me, but instead keeping the money and letting the electric get turned off after moving out while I was at work, leaving a huge mess and ruining my kitchen. Each time it hurt just a little more and I became a little harder inside. I learned that work friends aren't really friends because everyone will throw you under the bus if it means they will get ahead of you. I learned church friends aren't really friends because saying you'll "Pray for us" then ripping us apart behind our backs is all they do. I learned not to EVER trust strangers.

When I joined roller derby, there was a lot of talk about friends you can count on, and friends for life, etc.... Unfortunately, that didn't happen for me. I never had any really close friends there either. When my first league disbanded, I realized just how much no one valued my opinion. I was summarily dismissed as insignificant and of no value to the league. Never had a derby wife. Never had anyone actually give a damn when I stopped showing up because my car was gone, or when I was sick. Sigh... I envy those that had that. I hope they realize how special it is.

So yeah. I don't have any real friends. Oh, I know of folks online. In fact, some of those very folks who helped my family several years ago when we were homeless are dear to my heart, but do I know them? Really... no I don't. I don't know anyone. No one ever had a tweet up for me, or a bloggercon. Heck, the last 2 times I was in Orlando where several folks are that I know online I have tweeted about getting together for drinks and gotten zilch interest. I haven't really been an inspiration for anyone. Now I don't even have derby anymore because I gave my all last year and I can't afford to get the damage fixed, even with insurance. I'm old, I'm used up, and I haven't got a friend in the world to commiserate with.

I'm seriously thinking I'm just one of those un-friendable people. I mean, all those folks didn't value me for some reason, right?

I guess it must be me.

{PS-I'm talking friends IRL folks. :)}


Dave2 said...

Wah! I'm nobody?!?

Vicky Ortiz said...

I always felt the same way. I don't really have any good friends either. But I am in Orlando, and if it weren't for my birthday being on Friday,and my family taking me out, we would so be hanging out. What about Saturday night? I have my kid, but I could try to find a babysitter.

Megan said...

I know that you can be a bit shy, so I have to ask: Do you persue friendships or do they usually come to you?

Shyness can sometimes be percieved as standoffishness, which may explain why you have trouble with "real" friends. Users tend to take advantage of these things, and you may be so taken aback at attention from someone that you don't see them for what they are.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way sweetie. I wish there was something I could do to help. xo

Poppy said...

You can make any situation into what you let your mind make it into. Doesn't make it the Truth, but you will make it your truth, and end up hurting yourself.

Some days/times I feel just like you do. Other days I am very happy to have a very small list of close friends, and prefer to only hang out with Dawg and the kitties on a regular basis.

And... uh, one lesson I've learned the hardest way: The one person you can count on is yourself. Everyone else is guaranteed to disappoint because of our expectations of others.

In summary: You are not unfriendable.