Sunday, February 21, 2010

Family

We all have them. Our families. The people we didn't get to choose, but were born with. Our family is what defines us as children. "Oh that's Bob and Maggie's kid." or "Aren't you from the Backwater line of Passingtons?" You know the drill. It is especially prevalent in the south.Your family is what defines you as a person.

Family.

Two plus years ago, mine wrote me off, along with my kids and husband. HHH had just lost his job in Stuart because a woman who was mad he turned her in for having an illegal pet made accusations of sexual harassment against him. Instead of standing up for their employee, the company made a bogus write up for him and fired him on the spot. We were going to be homeless. (the first time around.) HHH wanted to stop by my hometown on the way so I could try to rekindle a relationship with my Mom and Dad because 6 months earlier they basically turn their back on us once already. We stopped in and I proceeded to have to listen to my mother attack my husband, my life, and everything else under the sun. I was told I needed to leave my husband, get my own place, but don't ask for any help from them because she was basically done with me AND my family. Don't ask for anything, don't call, just get the hell out and quit bothering them. She said she has my older sister, (who incidentally is a drug addict, prostitute, and married a Taliban to give him citizenship for $30,000.), to help take care of them,so leave and don't come back. Period. The end.

Fine.

I haven't had contact since. Well, I did call their house after Faye came through the state and the weather channel said my home town was flooded really good. After making sure they were OK and having to listen to 15 minutes of my mom asking why I don't call, I hung up and that has been that. I can't handle being raised with the notion that family is one of the most important things in this world, then being told I'm worthless and written off. I have raised my kids to understand family above all else. I have lived my life for my (immediate)family.

Enter today. Today a friend from high school wrote me on facebook saying I really needed to call her. I just wrote back that if it concerned my parents, I wasn't interested. She wrote back that she was disappointed I was holding on to this hurt, oh and my sister has colon cancer. I guess her hard life caught up to her. In her words...
"It's better to take the first step than live in bitterness."
But I'm not really that bitter. I'm actually OK with not having spoken to them in so long. I understood the reasons behind it. Yes they're old and need to look out for themselves, I got that right away, but please don't act like you care when the chips are down. Don't say you wish you could see your grandchildren more often when two years ago they weren't even good enough to sleep on your couch! I refuse to be manipulated like that.

So now I sit here, cooking dinner, watching TV, and mulling over this new knowledge about my family. It's quite obvious that my Mother has only told a glossed over version of this to my HSBF, so she has kind of sided with them, but I don't blame her. When you only hear the good and not the bad, you tend to not understand. Maybe someday I can get past all this, but I like to think I am just following my Mother's instructions the very last time I saw her.....

"Don't bother to call or come see us again."

Yes Mother.

8 comments:

Kim said...

I can't nor will ever tell you what to do, but ( there's always a but ! ) maybe you should try and at least make a connection of some sort. If you want to. And keep in mind that people I love have been dropping like flies, and the "coulda, woulda, shoulda's" will make you crazy , no matter how good / bad the relationship was.

Hope it works out one way or the other. : )

Finn said...

I'm sorry about this; it's a terrible thing to be estranged from family.

I hope you can make peace with all of this and that you have no regrets with whatever you ultimately decide.

metalmom said...

I am estranged from my own family, but for my own reasons. (They are nothing like yours!!)I have had days in which I deeply regret my choices and then on others, I am very happy about them. Only you can decide.

Is there any way to talk to your sister alone or does it all have to go through the parents?

A Vapid Blonde said...

It is true. It is really up to you to decide how to proceed. But what I will say is this.

You can never know how you are going to react or how you are going to feel when certain moments happen. Such as a sibling dying...if that has never happened before. And you need to do what is right for you and if right is seeing her then do it for your self, not out of an old friends guilt trip they are laying on you.

Poppy said...

I can relate.

It works out way better to just not let that toxicity back in.

Bubblewench said...

Turn around. Look at your beautiful children and awesome (but still a guy) husband. You're a Derby Girl. You're a MOM. You're a WIFE. You're a FRIEND. You are a WOMAN. Don't waste your time wasting life.

Robin said...

I so can relate. So much so. One day, we'll swap stories.

But anyhoo...

The only thing you are responsible is for YOUR own behavior...NOT YOUR FAMILY'S. Despite the way your family treats you (and they know deep down they're wrong...trust me. They just won't admit it....), you have built such a good life for yourself and your children that you really don't need them. If you decide to let them in, do it on your terms and not because your sister has Cancer. I hate when family treats you like shit for 10 years, then expects everything to be all hunky fucking dory when someone is seriously ill or dies. Fuck that shit!! Life is for the living, and everyone deserves to live as well as they can!!

However, if you don't have beef with your sister (you didn't say you did in your post...), at least check up on her to make sure she's handling her cancer well...just don't give her any money.

Hope this helps. I'm here if you wanna talk.

prissynotgirly said...

i have no words of wisdom other than you know what you are willing to deal with and can handle ... no one elses opinion matters really

the people that truly support you and care about you will accept any decision you make