Sunday, October 11, 2009

Lock It Up.

I don't like going out by myself. Never did. I always went places with other people. I am just not that independent. I need conversation, interaction, someone to bounce off of so to speak. When I had a relationship, I went all in for the long haul. I didn't have a slew of B/F's in grade school and college, I had one for a looooong time or I didn't have one at all. My relationships went into years, and my current marriage is going on the big 1-0 this coming year. I prefer being with my family and going out to do derby has been the biggest gamble of my life because even though I talk a big game, every week I go in there thinking they are going to call me out as a poser and kick me out. Yeah that will probably never happen.... but my mind I am deathly afraid that people are going to reject me, so I don't put myself out there and I never have. Let's just say watching my family and it's dysfunctional madness cured me of wanting to try and get approval from others. People are just gonna use you, abuse you, and lose you. Now I know not everyone is like that, and I have been trying to work on my feeling like that. (thus, Derby.) Another way I am trying to work on it is Avitaween.

In a little less than 2 weeks I am going to leave work and drive to Altamonte Springs and go to the amazing event called Avitaween. There will be bloggers there from around the country. It is going to be so cool. I am also going to meet some of the people who helped my family when we were basically living on the street. That will be so awesome.... to meet people in person and thank them for helping me when I was so desperately sad I wanted to jump off a bridge. Still, there are those nagging feelings that tell me that everyone is just going to look at me when I walk in and laugh their collective asses off. You know, the adult equivalent of giving a speech in front of the class in your underpants.

Oh yes, I have had anxiety about all this. Add that to HHH not feeling totally comfy with me going somewhere by myself and you have one messed up blonde here. I don't know.......

Maybe I should just stay home?

3 comments:

whall said...

Maybe.

Then again, maybe not.

Helping?

Maybe not.

Finn said...

HHH needs to relax. You're a big girl and somehow managed to survive before you met him. You'll be fine.

And you will come to Avitaween. Because it will be fun. No one will laugh at you, promise. I'll a cut bitch if they do. but realy, they won't.

And how could pass up a chance to meet me? ;)

Poppy said...

I assure you, no one will be laughing at you.

And it's a safe party. You are in control... and it's a drinking party, but NOT a drug and sex party.

With friends. :)