Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sniff..... Sniff......

I don't know what to say. I just don't. I had planned on taking an early exit last night. There was no moon, it was cold and crisp, and the ocean that I so loved was calling my name. I don't know. I think when the rental company came to get the furniture we were rental/purchasing (even though we were only 3 days late) I had a small nervous break down. No, scratch that.... I had a HUGE nervous breakdown. On top of everything else, even the guys who rented me a couch were snatching shit right out from under me! I was just shattered. Into a million little pieces. I came down to the pool and wrote my blog totally intending to end it all last night. Hey, one less mouth to feed, right? I figured the people who cared about me more than my own family had a right to know what was going to happen, plus HHH would look to my blog first if I ever came up missing.

What happened was HHH would not go to sleep. Nope. He sat there in bed and waited me out, almost like he had some sort of premonition...... some inkling of what was going to transpire. He waited and put on some boring damn TV show and finally I was out like a light at 1 am. A full day of sadness and rage had done my energy in.

The next morning I woke and checked my email. I was still sad, numb even, but going through the motions of getting the kids ready for school, and there they were. Messages. Lots of them. Telling me not to go.... not to do it..... not to give up on the life that has brought nothing but darkness and sorrow dotted with brief periods of sunlight. Messages of hope. Messages of help. Messages that made me cry all morning as they poured in one after the other! I couldn't believe it! I was afraid to believe it. I thought I was dreaming, but I was not. I wasn't sure what to do. The suggestions were many, and I acted of a few of them. One suggestion being start a paypal account. That one wasn't easy. You see, I am a giving soul. I'll give you the shirt off of my back if you need it. I'll make you dinner and a free birthday cake if you're hungry. Need a place to crash, come on over and hit the couch. Need a party catered but can't afford the price of such an affair? You buy the supplies and I'll make you a shindig you'll never forget! It's just who I am. I want to win the lottery and open a no kill animal shelter. It has always been a dream of mine. Now, take that giving heart and tell it it has to ASK for help.

Yeah...... hardest thing I ever had to do.

But you all are right. My family is worth it. I'd go shake it down on the corner if it meant my kids would have somewhere to live. (I haven't lost enough weight yet.... but maybe in a few months....) So I am asking. I HATE having to ask, but I am asking. I set up the PayPal account. You'll find it under my email address, nicolewetherington1972@yahoo.com . I tried to find one of those handy little buttons to put on here, but no dice. If anyone knows where those are feel free to tell me.

Last night I hit rock bottom. Today I told HHH what I was going to do then. He has promised he won't let me. He even went so far as to say he'd crush up Tylenol PM's in my drink so I'll go to sleep before him. I don't think I'll be going to live with the dolphins though,..... As Mommielicious said, the water is too cold this time of year, and the warmth of your kindness has filled my heart and soul.

Thank you.


Bluepaintred said...

Glad to have you back girl.

There are so many reasons that you need to be here, no matter how bad it ever gets that if i were to try and write them out i would wear out the keys on my laptop before I finished.

Heart. Hope. Peace. Take all three

Finn said...

Glad you're still here. I was scrambling around last night trying to find your e-mail address and was in a panic because I couldn't.

We'll figure this out. There's always a way. Don't scare us again.

Have you thought about the UF alumni boards? Maybe someone has an RV or a vacant apartment they could let you use for a few weeks.

We're all here with you. XO

kapgar said...

I'm really glad you didn't go through with it. Thank HHH for watching that boring-ass film.

HoosierGirl5 said...

Oh I am so glad you're okay.

I will happily donate to your paypal account but you MUST email me. Carmichael205@yahoo.com.


metalmom said...

I too am glad you're here. All I can offer is virtual love (HUGS) Please take care of yourself!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're OK too. I'm so sorry for what has happened.

OMM said...

I dropped some money in. Let me know that you rec'd it, and I'll send more.

Nicole said...

I spoke with Ms. Fabulous today!! The paypal acct is UP and Running! Just thought I'd share :) All help is truly appreciated :)

Putz said...

you really do have lots of loves coming in from people

Nicki said...

I found your blog through On The Upside and I wanted to say hello. I feel a special sympathy for you because I have been homeless several times, and even now we are always one step away from homelessness. Times are RAELLY crappy right now, aren't they. All I can say is, please keep writing in your blog, because one thing it can do is help you keep a feeling of connectedness, help you know that there ARE people out here listening to you and caring about you.
Also, when I was homeless, my brothers and I used to go to churches a lot and ask for help. Even if you don't have a church that you go to, many churches have benevloency funds that they save up for just this kind of situation. They may be able to help you, put you up in a hotel for a while. point you to the right resources, etc.
You can also set up a PayPal Debt card, you know, so you can use your Paypal donations right away anywhere you want, even to get cash from an ATM.
I am going to be reading this blog every day from now on, so please keep posting, let everyone know exactly what and how you are doing!

blewknight said...

I dropped off a bit to the account just now. Hope it helps

phinz said...

Sorry I couldn't help more! God bless you all! Use it all in good health and know that we are out here.

Tug said...

Like I said before, I am SO glad you're here to write...please give HHH extra hugs!!