I don't know what to say. I just don't. I had planned on taking an early exit last night. There was no moon, it was cold and crisp, and the ocean that I so loved was calling my name. I don't know. I think when the rental company came to get the furniture we were rental/purchasing (even though we were only 3 days late) I had a small nervous break down. No, scratch that.... I had a HUGE nervous breakdown. On top of everything else, even the guys who rented me a couch were snatching shit right out from under me! I was just shattered. Into a million little pieces. I came down to the pool and wrote my blog totally intending to end it all last night. Hey, one less mouth to feed, right? I figured the people who cared about me more than my own family had a right to know what was going to happen, plus HHH would look to my blog first if I ever came up missing.
What happened was HHH would not go to sleep. Nope. He sat there in bed and waited me out, almost like he had some sort of premonition...... some inkling of what was going to transpire. He waited and put on some boring damn TV show and finally I was out like a light at 1 am. A full day of sadness and rage had done my energy in.
The next morning I woke and checked my email. I was still sad, numb even, but going through the motions of getting the kids ready for school, and there they were. Messages. Lots of them. Telling me not to go.... not to do it..... not to give up on the life that has brought nothing but darkness and sorrow dotted with brief periods of sunlight. Messages of hope. Messages of help. Messages that made me cry all morning as they poured in one after the other! I couldn't believe it! I was afraid to believe it. I thought I was dreaming, but I was not. I wasn't sure what to do. The suggestions were many, and I acted of a few of them. One suggestion being start a paypal account. That one wasn't easy. You see, I am a giving soul. I'll give you the shirt off of my back if you need it. I'll make you dinner and a free birthday cake if you're hungry. Need a place to crash, come on over and hit the couch. Need a party catered but can't afford the price of such an affair? You buy the supplies and I'll make you a shindig you'll never forget! It's just who I am. I want to win the lottery and open a no kill animal shelter. It has always been a dream of mine. Now, take that giving heart and tell it it has to ASK for help.
Yeah...... hardest thing I ever had to do.
But you all are right. My family is worth it. I'd go shake it down on the corner if it meant my kids would have somewhere to live. (I haven't lost enough weight yet.... but maybe in a few months....) So I am asking. I HATE having to ask, but I am asking. I set up the PayPal account. You'll find it under my email address, firstname.lastname@example.org . I tried to find one of those handy little buttons to put on here, but no dice. If anyone knows where those are feel free to tell me.
Last night I hit rock bottom. Today I told HHH what I was going to do then. He has promised he won't let me. He even went so far as to say he'd crush up Tylenol PM's in my drink so I'll go to sleep before him. I don't think I'll be going to live with the dolphins though,..... As Mommielicious said, the water is too cold this time of year, and the warmth of your kindness has filled my heart and soul.