There are times when I wish my tenure on this Earth was at an end. I just do not see how every one's world wouldn't just be so much better if I wasn't around. Yeah, I have the kids and mostly the love of HHH, but I just see where we have fallen since we met and I wonder, what if...
What if I wasn't here to be a mom. Well, my daughters would live with their biological father over in Melbourne. Yeah, the ex lives with his mother and father, but it's a nice house in a good neighborhood and he isn't in danger of being homeless at any given time. They would get to live with their brother who I haven't seen in years. My first born who I know nothing about. At the time of my divorce, I let a judge tear him away from the girls and myself, but I wish I hadn't. Now he is a teenager, probably bitter and blaming me for never seeing his sisters. I am always in a monetary situation where I can't afford to go and see him. My illnesses and the kids illnesses keep me from holding down a real job, making real money, being normal. I hate that I am just dragging down this family like the dead weight that I am. Dead weight. I never really knew what that was till now. HHH was doing OK too till he met me. He had just got out of the Navy, had his own place, his own life. Now he is just being drained, having to take care of this family. When we got married, I know he didn't sign on for a sick wife, sick kids, and a crappy life. I feel like he ended up with the booby prize at the F*#k You Carnival. I feel like it is all my fault.
I had a good ol' row with HHH tonight. It started out as a simple little argument. We were trying to decide how to get our things from the storage facility in Stuart, to here in Bowling Green. Simple, right? WRONG. HHH says we need to ask the land lord if we can borrow his truck and trailer and make several trips from here to there and back, I say renting a moving truck and doing it all in one trip was best. Right away he gets defensive. He says it will be cheaper to borrow this truck and trailer( a ford ranger with an open trailer on the back), and I say gas-wise, it's cheaper to spend the money on a bigger truck and just do it all in one shot. Hell gas prices being what they are, I could only afford may be one trip in that little ranger hauling a full load behind it as it is. So we start arguing about it, HHH starts to raise his voice, and boom,......big fat ugly argument. It doesn't help that I have been ill all day, spent the majority of it in bed so I wouldn't projectile vomit, and to top that off I am having my monthly start. When it rains it pours. From there I delve into the bigger issue of joblessness, bills that are going to come due in a few weeks, and all our other problems that are banging me on the head with a large cast iron frying pan. Finally I have nothing else to say and slam into the empty bedroom. Here I am, writing about how I just don't think I can do this for much longer. The job market is a mess. Over 80,000 more jobs were cut last month in the US. I am not the only human in this jam. I just wish I could do right by my kids, you know? I don't want to give them everything they desire, but I want them to be comfortable. I want them to be secure. That's the word, secure. I want to be secure, and that is something in short supply for everyone these days. A friend of mine said the other day that the company they work for layed off 40 people. What the future holds, I don't know... but I need it to either get better, or just not include me.
Oh, HHH and I eventually made up. We said our sorry's, kissed and smoothed everything over, but I just can't help but think I dragged him, and everyone else I know, down to this level of hell. It is a constant voice in the back of my mind, whispering seductively to me when I am least expecting it, and lately, it seems to be making more sense.