Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Dark Times.....

There are times when I wish my tenure on this Earth was at an end. I just do not see how every one's world wouldn't just be so much better if I wasn't around. Yeah, I have the kids and mostly the love of HHH, but I just see where we have fallen since we met and I wonder, what if...

What if I wasn't here to be a mom. Well, my daughters would live with their biological father over in Melbourne. Yeah, the ex lives with his mother and father, but it's a nice house in a good neighborhood and he isn't in danger of being homeless at any given time. They would get to live with their brother who I haven't seen in years. My first born who I know nothing about. At the time of my divorce, I let a judge tear him away from the girls and myself, but I wish I hadn't. Now he is a teenager, probably bitter and blaming me for never seeing his sisters. I am always in a monetary situation where I can't afford to go and see him. My illnesses and the kids illnesses keep me from holding down a real job, making real money, being normal. I hate that I am just dragging down this family like the dead weight that I am. Dead weight. I never really knew what that was till now. HHH was doing OK too till he met me. He had just got out of the Navy, had his own place, his own life. Now he is just being drained, having to take care of this family. When we got married, I know he didn't sign on for a sick wife, sick kids, and a crappy life. I feel like he ended up with the booby prize at the F*#k You Carnival. I feel like it is all my fault.

I had a good ol' row with HHH tonight. It started out as a simple little argument. We were trying to decide how to get our things from the storage facility in Stuart, to here in Bowling Green. Simple, right? WRONG. HHH says we need to ask the land lord if we can borrow his truck and trailer and make several trips from here to there and back, I say renting a moving truck and doing it all in one trip was best. Right away he gets defensive. He says it will be cheaper to borrow this truck and trailer( a ford ranger with an open trailer on the back), and I say gas-wise, it's cheaper to spend the money on a bigger truck and just do it all in one shot. Hell gas prices being what they are, I could only afford may be one trip in that little ranger hauling a full load behind it as it is. So we start arguing about it, HHH starts to raise his voice, and boom,......big fat ugly argument. It doesn't help that I have been ill all day, spent the majority of it in bed so I wouldn't projectile vomit, and to top that off I am having my monthly start. When it rains it pours. From there I delve into the bigger issue of joblessness, bills that are going to come due in a few weeks, and all our other problems that are banging me on the head with a large cast iron frying pan. Finally I have nothing else to say and slam into the empty bedroom. Here I am, writing about how I just don't think I can do this for much longer. The job market is a mess. Over 80,000 more jobs were cut last month in the US. I am not the only human in this jam. I just wish I could do right by my kids, you know? I don't want to give them everything they desire, but I want them to be comfortable. I want them to be secure. That's the word, secure. I want to be secure, and that is something in short supply for everyone these days. A friend of mine said the other day that the company they work for layed off 40 people. What the future holds, I don't know... but I need it to either get better, or just not include me.

Oh, HHH and I eventually made up. We said our sorry's, kissed and smoothed everything over, but I just can't help but think I dragged him, and everyone else I know, down to this level of hell. It is a constant voice in the back of my mind, whispering seductively to me when I am least expecting it, and lately, it seems to be making more sense.



Finn said...

Sweetness, it's not your fault. Things happen to us. You don't know that HHH and your girls would be better without you. I understand how you're feeling but you cannot continue to believe this. Things will change; they always do. You just have to tie a knot.

E-mail me if you want to "talk, OK? I'm worried about you.

pinktomato said...

. I know it is hard to see thru the cloud right now. but i just want you to think about your real worth to those 3 sweet children of yours. you are a mom. they see nothing more than that. they know you as you are, how you are their best friend in the whole world. their world would be completely devasted without you. as yours would be without them. show yourself your strength, and they will see it too. this is temporary. keep remembering that.

Lake Effect said...

Hi...I stumbled over here from Davezilla, and after reading your page, felt I needed to say something. Not sure what just yet...but that post worried and touched me.

My ex wife was (is) a very ill person; she was given a great brilliant mind, but the physical package it was installed in was pretty frail and defective from the git-go. It got worse over a 27 year marriage. I felt I was put in her life to (among other things) help her live a quality life. Sure it got to be a heavy burden at times, sure we had more conflict than most normal marriages (whatever that is!). But I always thought I should fill in where she couldn't. We raised a son who is now 18, and when I study him, I see some of his mother's weaknesses, but I also see her strengths. I don't feel I was put on this earth to be a parent, but she most definitely was, and she instilled in him a drive to improve, the need to always try to overcome life's obstacles, pride in himself, a very strong set of morals and an ability to make do with what's at hand. He's one of the most caring and sensitive guys I've ever met...especially with females. I've seen him not only open doors for them, but take the arm of an elderly lady in an icy parking lot and escort her to the door. He pushes his mom's wheelchair without complaint, and is a bit of a perfectionist... probably an asset in his future education and careers. The thing is, he picked up most of his good traits from his mother. He picked up a couple of good ones from me, but he is truly his mother's son.

I'm not sure where I'm going here...I agree with pinktomato up there...There is almost nothing on earth more special than a Mother! My own was kinda dysfunctional, but I can't begin to imagine life without her. I can't imagine my son without the positive influence of his mom. The burden that was on her once she became pregnant, and raising him, was almost more than she could bear at times, but she tried to never let him see her cry, and she tried to not be too negative around him. And if that did happen, she always hugged him and reassured him that we all have those moments, and that's ok, and we move on a little bit stronger.

Look, I don't know the details of your own personal struggle, but there are kids struggling thru life with moms who are crackheads, potheads & alcoholics. (a mom called me one time crying hysterically because her scotch spilled all over the car seat while driving her kid to middle school at 7 am, and she thought her husband would be angry about the spot on the car seat!) There are kids whose moms are whores and I've heard that a lot of strippers have kids. There are kids who's moms don't have a husband and there are kids who don't even have a mom. Your kids have a mom! A functioning-to-the-best-of-her-ability mom! A mom who is their bestest friend, their confidant, their inspiration. You're the only person they really want at their imaginary tea party, or to braid their hair, or to hug them after they break up with that first boyfriend. Us guys are guys, but a mother is a Mom. The fact that you worry so much about them, and your own abilities, shows that you're operating exactly on the right track. Your HHH is probably doing the best he can, too, with what he's got, and yeah, it can try his patience too. But he's still there and still doing it. (I always said to myself, "Well, I guess my life isn't as good as it could've been, but it could be a whooooole lot worse!!!" Just look in the newspaper!!

Hang in there! You've got an important job that nobody else can do as well as you can. Nobody!

OMFG! Sorry about the length! I'll go away now!